


It'll Keep On Blazing Til it Burns Out

by webofdreams89



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Coming Out, Explicit Language, F/F, Internalized Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-25
Updated: 2014-07-25
Packaged: 2018-02-10 09:22:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2019705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/webofdreams89/pseuds/webofdreams89
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They keep drinking and Mandy’s feeling a little looser.  It’s probably why she blurts out, “I’ve been fucking Karen Jackson for nearly a year.”  She kind of regrets just blurting it out like that immediately after.</p>
<p>Mickey’s eyes widen in surprise, but Ian just rolls his eyes and slings his arm around Mandy’s shoulder.  “Tell me something I don’t know.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	It'll Keep On Blazing Til it Burns Out

**Author's Note:**

> This story has taken me ages to finish and edit and get it just the want I want it. So hopefully it's up to standard? There needs to me much more femslash in fanfiction and that's why I originally started writing this. Also because Karen/Mandy both getting over their Lip-thing and getting together would be so much better than the warped love triangle the show contrived. Also, I wanted to write something analyzing Mandy and Karen a bit and this was the result. I hated including some of the homophobic language in the story (there's only a little bit) but I thought it fit with the story, the characters, and the world they live in. Hope you enjoy!

They’re at a party the first time it happens, and Mandy is just shy of fifteen.  She’s sitting on a couch sipping her beer, trying hard to ignore Iggy’s stupid drunk friend that doesn’t seem to find _no_ a legitimate answer, when she notices Karen Jackson looking at her from across the room.

It isn’t the hard-pressed staring that Mandy is used to getting from guys like Iggy’s friend she’s already forgotten the name of.  But more fleeting: a short look here, a quick glance there, a casual eye sweep of the room that always lingers on Mandy a second too long.  It’s so different from what Mandy hardened herself to as a young girl that it leaves Mandy intrigued.  And yeah, maybe there’s this building excitement in her stomach that she’s felt whenever a really pretty girl looks her way too, making her just _want_.

She’s heard about Karen Jackson and how she’s a bitch with a big mouth.  How she’ll give it up for anyone.  Mandy’s heard the same things about herself, worse even.  But this Karen that she’s seeing, this tentative Karen who keeps quickly looking away before their eyes can hold contact, has caught her attention.

The party passes around them, people staggering in and out, but Mandy ignores them and instead tries to work out what Karen’s making her feel and what she’s going to do about it.

On her way to the bathroom, Mandy passes by Karen and gives her enough of a lingering look that Karen would have to be blind not to notice it.  She leaves the bathroom door unlocked and sits on the edge of the tub, waiting.  It takes less than a minute for Karen to slip inside and lock the door behind her before turning to face Mandy.

And Mandy, she waits.  She’s been waiting for something just out of her reach her entire life and it feels all tied up into the seconds of anticipation building low in her gut.  She lets out a breath that’s a little more ragged than usual.  She hopes she’s right about Karen, that she didn’t miscalculate or just imagine it all.

Mandy’s had plenty of sex with boys, but it was never as great as everyone told her it was supposed to be.  It always left her still wanting and a little bit empty.  The thing, though, is that she knows what to do with boys, knows all the things she’s supposed to say and roles she’s supposed to fill to make them happy.  She’s never done this with a girl before and doesn’t exactly know how it all works.

As she stares expectantly at Karen, Mandy finds that she likes the way Karen’s blonde hair brushes the swell of her chest and the way Karen’s tongue darts out between her pink lips.  They’re slick with lip gloss and Mandy really wants to kiss them.  Her eyes flick back up to Karen’s. 

Suddenly, she’s so sick of waiting anymore.

“Well?” Mandy asks finally, raising an eyebrow.

That vulnerable look in Karen’s eyes goes steely and dark as Karen crosses the three or so steps to where Mandy sits, cups the back of Mandy’s head, and presses their mouths together.

Karen kisses her hard and hungry and eager, which Mandy is used to from being kissed by boys.  She’s just not used to wanting to reciprocate it like she does now with Karen, wanting to see just how unraveled she’ll become with Mandy’s lips pressed to the pulse on her neck.

Her hands grab Karen’s hips and harshly tug her forward until Karen is pressed up against her, fitting in the vee of Mandy’s parted thighs.  Mandy likes the softness of Karen’s lips and the harshness of her hipbones and the way Karen grinds them back into Mandy’s.  She likes it all.

Karen may have been nervous or something at first, but she seemed to get over it pretty fast.  Especially given the way she unbuttons Mandy’s jeans and pulls them off, bites at Mandy’s inner thigh and teases Mandy with her fingers until she’s squirming with anticipation.  Karen’s good at it, practiced, and it’s pretty clear she’s done this before with a girl.  She knows exactly how to make Mandy feel good, how to lick and flick her tongue over Mandy’s clit before she just _sucks_ and makes Mandy totally lose it.

Mandy knows she’s probably being too loud, knows that someone standing right outside the bathroom door would be able to hear her even over the music.  And she knows what would happen if someone found out and this got back to Terry, but she’s never felt quite like this before, like she’s finally becoming who she’s supposed to be, who she really is. 

With one hand pinching at her nipple, Mandy comes hard around Karen’s fingers, clenching tightly and nearly falling back into the tub.  Karen catches her, helps her back into her clothes, and then wipes her mouth with the back of her hand before she’s out the door, leaving Mandy confused and alone and driving cracks into the wholeness she felt only seconds before.

She sits there for a long time, long enough that someone starts pounding on the door yelling about how they need to piss out an entire fifth of cheap ass whiskey, just wishing that Karen would have said something, would have looked at her before she fled. 

She doesn’t realize how much it hurts until she slips into bed that night and pulls the covers up high, wanting to just hide from it all.

*

After that, it feels like Mandy sees Karen everywhere.  In the halls at school, walking down the street, in the grocery store, at parties.  For weeks, Karen won’t even look at her.  Every time Mandy tries to approach her to talk, Karen disappears, vanishing into the crowd or throwing herself into a conversation with someone.

Mandy can’t even bring herself to admit how much Karen’s rejection hurts her.  She knows what people think of her and maybe she just lets them think it, but she does have feelings that can get hurt just like anyone else’s. 

At home one night, Mickey hands her a beer and asks which prick’s face he needs to rearrange.  She’s drunk enough at that point that she almost just blurts it out to him just to get it off her chest.  Out of everyone in her family, she feels like Mickey would be the most understanding, but even still, she bites her tongue until the urge goes away and she falls asleep on the couch.

A few nights later, she lets Iggy’s nameless friend finger her in the kitchen after Iggy passes out.  She wants to enjoy it, she wants to like it so much, but she can’t get the image of Karen’s face pressed between her legs from her mind.  She fakes it and Iggy’s friend is drunk enough to buy it and is pleased by the half-hearted hand job she gives him after.

She crawls into bed that night feeling like Karen’s scraped her raw and empty and wishing she’d never even known how great sex could make her feel.  It would hurt a lot less.

*

Mandy’s given up by the time Karen corners her at another party, pushing her back into the bathroom wall and kissing her hard.  Mandy returns the kiss eagerly before she grabs Karen by the shoulders and pushes her back a little.

“What the fuck, Karen?” she asks, pissed off even as she wants to pull Karen back in.

“Just shut up, alright?” Karen says, and Mandy does, kissing her hard.

After that, it keeps happening.  Always at a party, always after a few beers.  They don’t talk about it after even though Mandy really wants to because Karen’s started something in her that feels like it’s never going to be finished without something giving.  Like it’s inevitable.

*

She hears from one of the girls in her gym class that a bunch of people in the neighborhood saw Karen’s dad leaving with all his stuff.  The next night after she gets done making Karen come twice, she says, “I heard about your dad.  If you want to talk about it with me, you can you know.” 

Karen’s face goes from totally blissed out to furious faster than Mandy’s ever seen.  Karen looks so close to hitting her that Mandy actually flinches.  It must be enough because fear flashes across Karen’s face and she crumples, burying her face in Mandy’s neck.

“Don’t talk about him.  Don’t talk about him ever,” Karen sobs.  Eventually, she pulls away and walks out without even looking back and Mandy can only think about how used to it she’s gotten watching Karen walk away from her.

*

Mandy’s a sophomore and freshly fifteen when Ian Gallagher saves her. 

It isn’t the first time a teacher’s crossed a line that would get him fired in a part of the country that actually gave a shit, but it is the first time someone has stood up for her.  She thinks that it surprises her just as much as it surprises the teacher and when she turns around, Ian just gives her a little smile before turning back to his textbook.

When lunch rolls around a few hours later, Mandy is still puzzling it over because Ian didn’t suggest they hook up or that she repay the favor in say way.  He was just nice and that, _that_ , Mandy isn’t used to.  She’s not used to people doing something for nothing where they live.

She sees him sitting by himself and, curiosity overwhelming her, drops her tray down across from his and sits down.  He hasn’t looked up from whatever he’s reading and says, “Thought you had lunch detention today.”

“I wasn’t aware I had a lunch detention,” Mandy replies.  Ian looks up sharply and, realizing it’s Mandy, eases into a smile.

“Mandy, hi.  Sorry,” he says, “thought you were my brother.” 

Of course Mandy knows of Ian’s brother.  She’s seen them run around the neighborhood together, mostly getting into trouble, ever since she was a little girl.  Everyone knows of the Gallaghers.

Ian closes his book.  It looks like some kind of biography with a man in army fatigues on the cover, an expression on his face that’s probably supposed to be grim but looks more constipated than anything.

“I think I’m a little cuter than your brother,” Mandy replies.  She’s still a little weary of Ian because she doesn’t really know him, but tries to cover it up with humor. 

Ian snorts.  “You’re not wrong,” he says with a laugh before falling silent.  It sounds so much like a genuine compliment and not an awful come-on that it gives Mandy pause.  Her eyes flicker back down to Ian’s book, suddenly unsure.

“So what are you reading anyway?” she asks after clearing her throat. 

It isn’t often that Mandy doesn’t know what to say to boys.  Usually they’re all just about the same and fall for the same half-hearted lines because they don’t really care about her.  But so far, Ian’s breaking all the rules she’s had pounded into her head since long before puberty.

“Oh,” he says, a pleased smile falling onto his face, holding the book up for her to see, “It’s a memoir that this vet from the Korean War wrote.  My sister Fiona got it for my birthday.”

Mandy looks the book over, but doesn’t exactly see the appeal.  “Why are you reading it?”

Immediately, Ian replies, “I want to be a soldier after I graduate.” 

Mandy’s never known someone so sure about what they already wanted out of life, that actually thought they had a shot at something more than Canaryville.  All Mandy’s managed to figure out so far is that she doesn’t want to be pregnant before she’s old enough to legally buy her own beer.

“I want to go to West Point so I can be an officer,” he continues, faltering a little when Mandy doesn’t say anything.

“My grandpa was a vet,” she says finally, just to fill the silence.  It seems to help too, at least a little, because Ian smiles at her again.

“I never knew either of my grandpas,” he says, fiddling with the cover of his book, “but I think they were vets too.  Or at least that’s what Frank says, though you can’t really trust anything that comes out of his mouth.”

“At least when he’s not sober,” Mandy adds because everyone, unfortunately, knows Frank Gallagher.

Ian raises an eyebrow at her.  “I don’t think Frank’s ever been sober in his entire life.”

The laugh that escapes Mandy is loud and long and soon Ian is joining in too.

When Mandy sits down with Ian and his brother the next day, Lip makes a comment about the kinds of things Ian gets up to while his big brother is away.  He gives Mandy a smile she’s seen on the faces of so many boys before and it makes her cringe.  So she looks instead to Ian, who cuffs his brother upside the head and calls him a slew of names that have Lip howling with laughter.  But to have someone standing up for her, a genuine friend, makes Mandy smile.

“Sorry about Lip,” Ian apologizes later as they walking home from school.  “He’s my brother and my best friend, but I’m not so blind that I don’t know how much of an asshole he is.”

And just like that, Mandy starts hanging out with Ian Gallagher every day.  Nearly two weeks pass before the question that’s been playing over and over in Mandy’s mind falls bluntly out of her mouth while she and Ian share a joint under the tracks.

“How come you haven’t hit on me yet?”

She watches as Ian stills, the joint in his hand falling just short of his mouth.  He looks over at her and Mandy thinks that she’s never seen anyone look more deer-caught-in-the-headlights than Ian does. 

He seems to collect himself, taking a long pull on the joint and releasing slowly, before he answers her.  “I’m really not lying to you when I say it’s me and not you, Mandy.”

She scoots closer to Ian, laying her hand atop his.  Mandy has come to trust him in the short time they’ve been friends and she doesn’t trust anyone except her brother Mickey.

“So what is it then?” she asks gently.  Ian looks like he’s at war inside his own head and it surprises Mandy how much she hates seeing him like that.

Ian looks over and her and says, “I’m gay, Mandy.”

It feels like Mandy’s been clubbed over the head with Ian’s honesty.  She’s never heard anyone say those words aloud before outside of TV, which would always have Terry bitching about all the faggots and dykes ruining America.

His words settle inside her and Mandy thinks she can actually feel them there.  They feel big, important, promising, but they kind of scare Mandy too because maybe they hit a little too close to home.

So Mandy squeezes his hand.  “Okay,” she says, “want me to be your girlfriend?”

*

Being Ian’s girlfriend is a lot like being his friend except they make a point to hold hands in public and sometimes kiss and cuddle on each other’s couches.  It feels pretty great being so close to someone, even if it isn’t for the reasons that everyone thinks.  And really, Ian is probably the best boyfriend she could ask for, always putting her first and looking out for her.  It still feels a little hollow sometimes because fake-dating Ian doesn’t quite fill that void inside her that she didn’t even know was there until Karen kissed her.  It’s definitely something though, and Mandy’s grateful for that.

Ian tells Mandy about some new guy he’s seeing after he dumped his creepy boss.  That the guy’s Southside so he really can’t tell her who it is, but Ian seems really happy, happier than he was when he was still banging Kash.  It makes Mandy happy too and who cares if maybe she lives a little vicariously through him considering Karen has started ignoring her again.  So she tries to push Karen from her mind except for when she’s lying in bed at night with her hand down the front of her underwear.

Karen ends up cornering her in the bathroom at school a few weeks later.  “So,” she says, running her hands through her hair as she glances at her reflection, “Ian Gallagher, huh?”

 “What’s wrong with Ian?” Mandy asks, her defenses going up.  She feels protective over him in a way she’s never felt over anyone before.

Karen smirks, looking over at Mandy in the reflection.  “Nothing really,” Karen says haughtily, “except that he’s a queer.”

Cold washes over her.  She isn’t sure how Karen even knows about Ian – maybe Lip let it slip once when he hung out with Karen – but it makes her furious.  She grabs Karen’s arm and turns her around, pressing her back into the edge of the sink.  Karen looks surprised but she doesn’t look scared.  Which is good because the last thing Mandy wants is for Karen to be scared of her.  Even if she is pissed off.

Grabbing Karen’s hips and pressing close, Mandy asks, “And we’re not?” 

It’s the first time Mandy has admitted it out loud and it feels strange, both right and incredibly wrong at the same time.

Karen just stares at her, eyes narrowed and Mandy can feel that thing building between them again, that heady rush and insistent need.  Karen must feel it too because she starts panting harshly, pupils huge, before she leans forward and presses her lips against Mandy’s.

They kiss and rut and grope each other until the bell rings, jumping apart and staring at each other for a moment before Karen whispers, “Come over later,” and all Mandy can do is mutely nod as Karen practically runs out of the bathroom.

Ian is waiting for her when she gets out of the bathroom, her backpack in his hands.  “You okay?” he asks, that worried look of his spread across his face.  Mandy is still breathing hard and her heart is still pounding, but she manages to give him a smile and nod.

*

Karen’s mom makes Mandy take off her shoes and put them into plastic bags before she’ll let her into the house.  Mandy thinks it’s a little weird, but Sheila seems nice enough if a little June Cleaver.

“Oh, it’s so nice that Karen has a girlfriend,” Sheila proclaims, putting her hands on Mandy’s shoulders and smiling widely.  For a wild moment, Mandy thinks that maybe Karen has told her mother about Mandy, but then Sheila laughs and says, “Well, a friend that’s a girl.  Karen’s never had too many of those.”

Karen has a strange look on her face when she grabs Mandy by the arm and starts tugging her toward the stairs.  “We’re just going to work on a project for school, okay Mom?” Never mind the fact that Karen and Mandy aren’t even in the same grade or share any classes. 

“Okay then,” Sheila says amicably, “I’ll just make some cookies then.  Mandy, do you like chocolate chip?”

Karen rolls her eyes, lets Mandy mutter a quick, “Yeah,” before dragging her upstairs. 

Despite the fact that it’s their first time in an actual bed together and that they have more than just a few stolen moments, they still fuck fast and hard.  Mandy was kind of hoping for something a little slower, softer, because she’s never had that, but she still likes this too because it’s Karen.

Karen all but pointedly asks Mandy to leave when it’s over and Mandy hightails it downstairs, feeling more nervous than when she’d gone up.  Sheila seems disappointed that she isn’t staying so Mandy compliments her home.  Or tries to.  She stutters out, “I like your curtains,” and it makes Sheila smile at her so widely Mandy’s a little scared her face will crack.  It’s a little unnerving but Sheila is so nice and it’s probably the first time she’s felt anything akin to mothering she’s felt since her own mom died. 

She promises Sheila that she’ll be back.

Mickey’s sitting on the couch nursing a beer when Mandy comes in the door.  She grabs a beer and sits next to him.  He’s watching one of those ‘80s actions movies with Steven Segal that he’s so fond of.

“Where you been?” he asks, passing her a bag of potato chips.

“Hanging out with Ian,” she lies, shoveling a handful of chips into her mouth so she can’t say anymore.  She hates lying to her brother, but what is she supposed to say?  That she was out fucking a girl?

Mickey looks over, a funny look on his face.  “You were out with Gallagher?” he asks.  His voice is surprised, like he doesn’t quite believe her.

Mandy swallows and nods.  “Well, he is my boyfriend,” she says, trying to sound light while she turns her attention back to the movie.

“Right, of course he is,” Mickey says, draining the rest of his beer and getting up to get another. 

*

What’s surprising though is that Karen keeps inviting her over, often enough that it becomes routine.  After school, Mandy will go over to the Jackson’s where she and Mandy will have sex and Mandy will sometimes stay for dinner before she heads over to the Gallaghers’ even though she’s pretty sure most of them have figured out by now that she isn’t really Ian’s girlfriend.

Months pass by.  Sometimes Mandy thinks that she and Karen might be veering more towards couple territory, thinks Karen might realize it too because she’ll get this weird look on her face when she sees Mandy.  It’s always followed by days of radio silence. 

Mandy tries not to take any of it personally, but it’s hard not to when she is pretty sure she actually likes Karen.

*

“How old were you the first time you were ever with a girl?” Mandy asks Karen one day while they’re holed up in Karen’s room watching a movie.

Karen sighs, rolls her eyes.  “Having a dyke crisis over there, Mandy?” she asks with a huff.

Mandy rolls her eyes too because it’s such a Karen thing to say.  She’s pretty sure the crisis is over.  Mandy can admit now, at least to herself, that she likes girls more than she likes boys. 

“Don’t be a bitch,” Mandy replies, shoveling another handful of popcorn into her mouth.

“You are what you eat,” Karen says, grinning at her and making Mandy laugh.

“Seriously though, can you just answer the question?”

Karen sighs again.  “Why do you always have to ask me so many fucking questions?  I was like twelve the first time I kissed a girl.  It was just supposed to be practice for boys, but I ended up liking it.  My friend didn’t.  After that, I just kept kissing girls.”

“You like boys too, don’t you?”

Looking contemplative, Karen nods.  “Yeah, I do.  I like everyone.”

“So you’re bi?”

“So many fucking questions,” Karen mutters again.  “Yeah, I guess that’s what I am.  I’m not picking.  I like fucking both boys and girls.

“What about you, Mandy?  Do you like boys too?”

Mandy hesitates.  “I’ve fucked boys.”

Karen gets up on her knees and looms over her.  “That really doesn’t answer the question that I asked.  Fucking boys and liking to fuck them are two different things, aren’t they?”

“I…I don’t think I like fucking them.  Not the way I like fucking you,” Mandy says, her eyes squeezed shut tight.  When she opens them again, Karen’s still kneeling above her, still staring at her, lips parted like she wants to say something.

In the end, Karen mumbles, “Good,” before turning back to the movie.

*

It doesn’t really take long for Ian to pick up on the fact that she’s sort of seeing someone else.  He doesn’t have a clue it’s a girl, let alone Karen, because when he teases her about it, he always says, “So when do I get to meet my girlfriend’s other boyfriend?” 

Mandy knows he doesn’t mean anything by it, so she rolls her eyes and shrugs it off, asking Ian about the mystery guy that puts that soft look in Ian’s eyes every time he talks about him.

Mandy is also pretty sure that Mickey is seeing someone in secret too.  He’s been showering more and is never home anymore and even has a job working with Ian at the Kash and Grab.  He got cagey the only time Mandy hinted at it so she hasn’t mentioned it again, though she hasn’t ignored the smile he sometimes gets when he thinks no one’s looking either.

*

It takes Mandy a long time to finally work up the courage and ask, “What are we doing, Karen?  What are we to each other?”

Nearly everyone thinks Mandy is this loud, trashy girl with more guts than smarts, but she’s so scared all the time.  Of the future and turning out like her mom.  Of her dad.  Lately though, lately she’s been terrified how Karen Jackson makes her feel when they’re together, but she’s even more scared of how Karen would make her feel if she was gone.

It’s only moments after Mandy’s come down from the orgasm Karen drew out of her with her fingers and her lips and her tongue.  Her thighs are still shaking and she hasn’t quite caught her breath yet.  It’s probably the worst time to ask, but she can’t stand not knowing any longer.

Karen looks over at her, Mandy knows she does even though she refuses to look back at her.  A silence lapses between them that is so heavy it makes Mandy squirm.  Finally, she looks up, takes in the crease across Karen’s forehead, the searching look in her eyes.

Karen swings her legs over the edge of the bed, turning so Mandy can no longer see her face and says, “We aren’t doing anything, Mandy.”

And Mandy, she can’t help it, snorts loudly.  “Okay, Karen, sure.  If you say so.”

She stands up abruptly and grabs her underwear from the floor, pulling them up before she starts searching for her bra.

“What are you doing?” Karen asks.  Mandy can hear her stand up as she tugs her t-shirt over her head.

“Leaving,” she replies, stepping into her jeans.  “I can’t do _nothing_ anymore.”

Karen hugs loudly and snaps, “Fine.”  She doesn’t say anything else while Mandy finishes getting dressed and slips out Karen’s bedroom door.

She says good-bye to Sheila, not letting anything she’s feeling show on her face.  Mandy’s come to really care about Karen’s mom in the months she’s been coming over to the Jackson house, so it feels wrong to just leave without saying anything.

Sheila gives her a big hug and says she hope she sees Mandy again soon.  Mandy promises she will, though it seems likely to be a promise she doesn’t keep.

Mandy swings by the Gallagher house to see Ian.  She doesn’t really want to be alone right now and he’s the best person to confide in that she knows. 

Fiona gives her a puzzled look when she answers the door and sees Mandy.  “Thought Ian was out with you,” she says.  Which means Ian’s probably out with the mystery boyfriend.

“Oh, uh, yeah, Ian had something to do before we were going to meet up.  I just wanted to see if he came back here instead.  Linda probably talked him into working last minute again,” Mandy says, hoping Fiona doesn’t see right through her.

Fiona studies her face before nodding.  “If he comes back here, I’ll smack him upside the head for standing you up,” she says, giving Mandy a small smile.

“Thanks, Fiona,” Mandy says over her shoulder as she walks back down the sidewalk.

When Mandy was first formally introduced to Ian’s older sister, she got the distinct feeling that Fiona kind of hated her.  But now they’re at least on friendly terms with each other, especially after Fiona realized how much Mandy cares about Ian.

The Milkovich house is quiet when Mandy walks through the door.  She’s pretty sure her dad and brothers are out on a run to Detroit, and while she’d rather not deal with her dad at the moment, she wouldn’t mind hanging out with Mickey.  Between Karen and Ian and Mickey’s mystery girlfriend, she hasn’t seen much of her brother lately.  Frankly, she misses him more than she’d ever admit, out loud at least.

She’s heading to her room when she hears noises coming from Mickey’s room.  He must have stayed behind on the run.  Grinning a little, she pushes open Mickey’s door, saying, “You in the mood to get rip-roaring drunk, Mick-” when she notices her brother isn’t alone. 

Ian’s in there with him, climbing off her brother while trying to cover up the fact that they’re very, _very_ naked.

Ian looks guilty, and Mickey looks like he wants to die.  Literally.

Mandy doesn’t say anything as she closes the door behind her, her heart beating wildly.  Immediately, she hears their voices, Mickey’s angry and Ian’s placating.

Maybe she should have put it together before now, how Mickey tolerated Ian when he didn’t really like anyone, how Ian got him a job, how she knew they were both seeing someone in secret.  Maybe she’d been too wrapped up in Karen to see the signs, but it still throws her for a fucking loop. 

Jesus, Ian and her brother. 

Ian emerges from Mickey’s room a minute later, thankfully fully dressed.  He still looks guilty, but now he looks scared.  He looks like he did right before he first told her he was gay, and that’s a look Mandy hates seeing more than almost anything else.  Ian should never look like he’s scared of Mandy of all people.

He opens his mouths to say something, no doubt some kind of apology, but she cut him off.  “I get why you couldn’t tell me,” she says softly.  “I really, really do.”

“It wasn’t just mine to tell,” Ian says, taking a tentative step closer to her.  “I kept telling him you’d be okay with it.  You accepted me right away.  He’s scared though.” 

It’s the expression Ian has on his face that tells Mandy that at least for Ian, the thing he has with Mickey isn’t just about sex.

“Mickey’s smart to be scared,” Mandy replies.  She sees Ian go still and knows he’s misinterpreted her.  “Not of _me_ though.”

The relief on Ian’s face smooths out the worry lines on his face and he steps closer.  He holds his arms out and Mandy, not wanting to think about how those arms have recently been wrapped around her brother, steps into his embrace.

Everything that’s happened with Karen bursts forth and Mandy begins to sob into Ian’s chest.  His arms tighten around her.  “Mandy?” he asks, and she cries harder, clutching him tightly.

Mandy hears Mickey’s door open again and Mickey steps out.  “What the fuck did you do, Gallagher?” he asks.  He sounds tense even through his misdirected anger.

“Don’t be a douche, Mickey,” Mandy says, sniffling loudly.  “Ian didn’t do anything.”

A little while later after Mandy’s stopped crying, they sit around and pass a bottle of Jack between them.  Mickey looks a lot more relaxed and less likely to jump out of his skin.  He doesn’t even flinch that much when Ian lays his hand on Mickey’s knee, giving it a little squeeze. 

Mandy doesn’t miss the look Mickey gives Ian, something she’s never seen before on her brother’s face before, and that more than anything gives her a tiny flare of hope.

They keep drinking and Mandy’s feeling a little looser.  It’s probably why she blurts out, “I’ve been fucking Karen Jackson for nearly a year.”  She kind of regrets just blurting it out like that immediately after.

Mickey’s eyes widen in surprise, but Ian just rolls his eyes and slings his arm around Mandy’s shoulder.  “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“And I think I’ve fallen in love with her,” Mandy goes on, letting her head slump against the back of the couch.  She sees Ian get this soft look in his eyes that he gets when someone he loves does something really endearing to him.  Usually she sees it directed at Liam or Debbie, but now that it’s at her, it kind of makes Mandy feel safe and warm and happy.  She suddenly really hopes Mickey gets that feeling from Ian too.

“Okay seriously, what the fuck?” Mickey says into the bottle like he expects it to hold all the answers for him.

“Guess you don’t get to be the only queer Milkovich, huh, Mick?” Ian asks, turning that look to Mickey.  Mickey must notice it too because it looks like he’s trying hard to fight the smile that wants to wrap around his face.

“Shut the fuck up, Gallagher,” Mickey mumbles, making Ian smile harder.

Mandy can’t deny that she’s a little envious of the familiarity between them.  She wants it too, with Karen, wants it so badly.

She just doesn’t know what to do about it.

*

Mandy’s at the grocery store a few weeks later trying to come up with something for dinner with the measly ten bucks Terry gave her when she sees Sheila come in.  She knew that Sheila had been able to make it farther and farther from the Jackson house during the time she’d been going over, but the grocery store is pretty far away and it makes her feel an immense wave of pride for Karen’s mom.

“Mandy!” Sheila says, coming up to her and hugging her tightly and making the box of Hamburger Helper press into Mandy’s chest.  “Oh, I missed you so much!  I never see you anymore.”

Giving Sheila the biggest smile Mandy can muster up, she says, “Things have been so busy at home, I just haven’t had time.”

Sheila gives Mandy a smile and says, “Whatever Karen did, I’m sure you girls can work it out.”

Mandy cocks her head to the side.  “What makes you think Karen did something?”

Sheila lets out a short laugh and says, “I love my daughter more than anything, but I know how she is.  She tries to stop anyone from getting too close to her and if they manage to, then she tries to push them away.  It’s gotten even worse after what Eddie did to her.” 

She’d never gotten the full story of the way Karen’s dad lured her to one of those stupid purity balls only to humiliate her, but Mandy heard enough to realize Karen hadn’t taken it well. 

“It would just make me really sad if Karen pushed you away too, Mandy.  I think you’ve been really good for her.”  Sheila gave her a knowing smile and Mandy felt something click.  Maybe Sheila isn’t entirely as oblivious as everyone thinks she is.

“You know, don’t you?” she asks, “about me and Karen?”

Sheila laughs.  “I caught Karen and one of her old friends together once.  When you started coming over all the time to study, it wasn’t too hard for me to figure out.”

A blush spreads across Mandy’s face, making her uncomfortable with the knowledge that Sheila’s probably known this entire time.

“And…it doesn’t bother you?” Mandy whispers, not daring to meet Sheila’s eyes.

Sheila pats Mandy’s cheek gently and Mandy looks up.  “I’ve seen how happy Karen has been and nothing that makes Karen that happy could ever bother me.  Now, I went to school with your dad so I kind of know what he’s like.  If he ever gets nasty about it, you can come stay with us anytime.  Your brother too if he needs it, though I’m sure he’d rather go stay with that nice Gallagher boy.”

So much gratitude for Sheila washes over Mandy and she throws her arms around her.  She’s never known a parent that cared so much, that had such a capacity for love.  Sure, her mom had loved her but she’d loved drinking and coke more and it killed her in her end.

“Thank you, Sheila,” Mandy says, blinking through tears.

“Sometimes Karen just needs a bit of a push.  Things will work out for you.  You’ll see.”

*

Mandy catches up with Karen on her way home from school the next day, falling into step beside her.  Karen looks over and gives her a smug smile.  “Thought you couldn’t do this anymore, Mandy.”

“Yeah, I can’t,” Mandy says, “not with the way things are.”

She can see the way Karen’s face hardens, her eyes narrowing and lips thinning, and knows that it’s a defense mechanism for Karen, but it doesn’t stop it from hurting when it’s directed at her.

“So then why don’t you leave me the fuck alone, Mandy?” she says and starts walking faster.

Mandy keeps pace with her and replies, “We really need to talk.”

“I don’t know what we have to talk about.  Especially since you’ve said you’re done twice by now.”

Mandy stops walking and says in a soft voice, “Please, Karen.” 

Karen stops.  She doesn’t turn around though, doesn’t look at Mandy.  Karen’s shoulders fall as she lets out a deep breath.  After a moment, she changes direction and heads to the nearby park. Mandy follows her.

It’s  mostly empty at the moment since the elementary school kids haven’t gotten out of school for the day yet and they snag two swings. 

They’re both silent for a long time before Karen says, “If you want to talk, then talk.  I don’t have all day.”

Mandy sighs and stands up from her swing.  She moves in front of Karen so she has no choice but to look at her.  “You know how I feel about you, don’t you Karen?”

Karen stares back at Mandy, her eyes wide. 

Mandy’s heart is pounding hard in her chest.  She’s never cared about someone his much before, never had to tell them.  She’s terrified, but she knows she has to if she wants things to change.  “Do you feel the say way?”

Karen gulps and looks away.  Her eyes regain that steely glint and she bites out, “Why are you doing this, Mandy?  Wasn’t fucking me enough?”

She ignores Karen’s comment and says, “I’m in love with you, Karen, and I want you to be my girlfriend.”

“Stop it, Mandy,” Karen says, though she looks even more flustered than she did before.  “You can’t just say things like that.”

“Why not?  It’s all true.”

“Why not?” Karen mocks.  “Do you realize where we live, what people will say if they find out?”

“Some people already know, Karen, and they don’t care.”

“Who the fuck knows?  Who did you tell?” Karen yells.

“Ian figured it out and he doesn’t care.”

Karen rolls her eyes.  “Of course Ian doesn’t care.  He’d be a hypocrite if he did.”

“Your mom figured it out too.  She doesn’t care either.”

Karen’s eyes widen again.  “My mom knows?”

Mandy nods.  “Yeah, she does.  She even said me and Mickey could come live with you guys if my dad finds out.  Because he would kill us, and make it hurt.  You know he would.”

“Why would your dad kill Mickey too?”

“We aren’t the only Southside queers, Karen.”

“So Ian and your brother, huh?”

“You can’t say anything.”

“I won’t,” Karen says sharply.  “I don’t want their blood on my hands.”

Tentatively, Mandy steps closer to Karen, reaching out to grab the chains near the top of Karen’s head.  They aren’t touching, but it’s close enough that Mandy can still feel the heat radiating off of Karen.

“I really do love you,” Mandy whispers.  She wants to reach out and run her fingers through Karen’s hair.

Karen squeezes her eyes shut and exhales.  “It’s never going to work out, Mandy.  We both know that.”

And the shitty thing is that, yeah, Mandy knows how likely that is on some level.  She knows that it probably won’t last forever because nothing in her life ever does.  She still wants to try though, and tells Karen as much.

Mandy is still looking down at her when Karen opens her eyes and looks hard at her.  Karen’s hands are shaking when she reaches up and covers Mandy’s hands with her own.  Mandy can feel Karen trembling.  She’s scared, but Mandy’s scared too.  They have a lot to be scared of.

Karen stands up, gets right into Mandy’s space and says, “Okay.”

Mandy doesn’t think she’s ever seen anyone as brave as Karen in that moment.  Karen’s body is less than an inch from her own and it makes Mandy’s pulse speed up.

Karen cocks her head to the side, almost like a challenge, and says again, “Okay, Mandy.”


End file.
